8 geopolitical figures of the Middle East & their doppelgangers

One for each night of Hanukkah, how festive

Dec 27, 2024

Everyone loves a smart pairing: ranch dressing and pizza, Snoop and Martha, geopolitical figures and their doppelgangers, etc.

I enjoy all of the above, but the CIA Reject isn’t about pizza (no Pizzagate here!) and I don’t smoke weed (which may come as a surprise to some), so you know I’ll be focusing on the last one.

Anyway, here is my ~~thought-provoking~~ cute little list of eight geopolitical figures from the Middle East and their famous, or infamous, lookalikes.

1. Abu Mohammed al-Jolani & John Turturro

Syria has finally been freed from the decades-long dictatorship of the Assad family (yay!) and Abu Mohammed al-Jolani of HTS is at the forefront of a possible future Syrian government (TBD on whether that’s also a ‘yay’.)

Jolani is a former member of Al Qaeda and Jabhat al Nusra who has recently attempted to ‘soften’ his image by doing things like using his birth name and trimming his beard. And while he’s a bit of a shapeshifter in geopolitical terms, making himself palatable to different audiences depending on if it’s CNN or rival rebel groups, when I look at his face, I feel sad. A sadness that is on par with that of John Turturro, aka ‘The Jesus’ from The Big Lebowski. I doubt Turturro will ever get the chance to play Jolani in a feature film, but perhaps Jolani would be up for dressing as The Jesus for Halloween? A costume party always brings the people together.

2. Ayatollah Khomeini & Frank Langella

The late Ayatollah Khomeini, who ruled the Islamic Republic of Iran from 1979-1989, had quite the face. Unlike Jolani who can switch up his look as needed, Khomeini’s face was only capable of a scowl: the man looked pissed off or disappointed 24/7.

My ‘favorite’ story about Khomeini was an interview that took place on an airplane while he was en route to Iran (after living in exile for over a decade) during the revolution in 1979. The interviewer asked him how he felt and his reply was basically, “I feel nothing.”

So who could play him in a Hollywood adaptation of the revolution? Perhaps Frank Langella, who you might know from The Americans or Frost/Nixon. At first glance, Langella may be an odd choice, but I think if he darkened and furrowed his eyebrows constantly, he could pull it off.

3. Bashar al-Assad & Tilda Swinton

If you read my previous blog about Syria, you’ll know that I think Bashar al-Assad, Syria’s recently deposed murderous dictator, looks like a pencil. I don’t think Tilda Swinton looks like a pencil, but I do think she is an incredibly talented actress and has proven she can play men, as seen in the remake of Dario Argento’s Suspiria. Both Assad and Swinton are lanky and, if the makeup artists could work magic to make her mouth tiny AF, she’d possibly make a decent Assad.

4. Muammar Qaddafi & Ted Bundy

I’ve already mentioned this one, and maybe you didn’t read the previous listicle (shame on you), but I think the resemblance is pretty uncanny. Qaddafi, Libya’s absolute bonkers former dictator, and Ted Bundy, arguably one of America’s worst serial killers, have a lot in common:

They murdered a lot of innocent people
They changed their style frequently
They both have very angular faces
Their people did them in: Qaddafi was found in a sewer pipe and got the Rasputin treatment at the hand of pissed-off Libyans and Bundy got the electric chair in 1989

Good riddance.

5. Yoav Gallant & Paul Giamatti

Most of you may not have heard of Yoav Gallant, but he was previously the Defense Minister of Israel until Netanyahu fired him in November. The ICC also issued an arrest warrant for Gallant (and Netanyahu)….in November. Tough month!

Gallant has one of those soft, marshmallowy faces, and looks a lot like Paul Giamatti. Gallant’s face has the Ayatollah Khomeini perma-frown going on, so Giamatti would need to work on looking perpetually disappointed, but I’m sure he could handle the challenge.

6. Yasser Arafat & Jon Lovitz

I have to admit, I thought Jon Lovitz was no longer with us. Luckily, with a quick search on Google, I learned he is indeed still around and I’m sure he’d be delighted if he got to play Yasser Arafat. While Lovitz is (obviously) Jewish and Arafat was (obviously) Palestinian, both men have the kind of faces only a mother could love, so if the shoe fits and whatnot.

7. Hassan Nasrallah & Jack Black

A bit of a stretch, but Hassan Nasrallah, the late leader of Hezbollah, had a cherub-like round face and big ol’ beard. And who else sports the same? Jack Black. And, like #7, I don’t think Nasrallah would appreciate being played by a Jew, but he’s in paradise now, so I think we can have fun with it.

8. Ayman al-Zawahiri & Joe Pesci

Ayman al-Zawahiri, the former leader of Al Qaeda after Bin Laden’s assassination, was apparently kinda dour, boring, and uninspiring. Joe Pesci is obviously the total opposite, so I think the Italian-American legend could really bring a little 🤌🏻 to Zawahiri’s character if Martin Scorsese were to ever make a full-length feature film about Al Qaeda. Possibly my favorite pairing of the list.

I don’t know who would be cast as Bin Laden, but if we’re talking Scorcese then I guess it’d have to be either De Niro, Pacino, or Leo? Tough choices.

¡¡HALF-BIRTHDAY BONUS!!

9. Itamar Ben-Gvir & Newman

Quite fitting, no?