My top 8 historical figures of the Middle East & Southwest Asia
From the freedom fighters to those who crossed borders dressed as women
History is full of fascinating figures like Chilean folk musician Victor Jara who was murdered in a stadium by Pinochet’s regime; to those locals-turned-overnight-villains like Steve Bartman; to the downright insane à la Rasputin, who was basically the Michael Myers of Russia…the man wouldn’t die: сука блять!
I’ve been researching and reading about the Middle East and Southwest Asia for roughly 20 years, and in this span of time I’ve learned about not only the conflicts and wars in these regions, but the bizarre and the downright hilarious moments, people, and events, too. (History can be fun!)
Anyways, here I present you with the Friday list you didn’t know you needed: the CIA Reject’s top 8 historical figures of the Middle East and Southwest Asia in brat summer style. Yalla.
Most of you have probably heard of Yasser Arafat, the late leader of the PLO, but you might not know that he once slipped into Israel from Jordan while disguised as a woman to avoid detection by the IDF. I read about this years ago and frankly found the visual to be quite entertaining (I even added it to a running list of Halloween costume ideas that would elicit a “huh?”, much like my Bobbi Flekman costume from 2008. IYKYK.)
“Lame beards rarely make history,” so the saying goes, and Abdullah Azzam—the godfather of modern jihad and Osama bin Laden’s mentor—made sure to set himself apart with this distinguished bi-colored facial hair. I can’t tell you if this was a dye job or natural, but it is a signature look. When the Soviets invaded Afghanistan in December of 1979, Azzam encouraged Muslims to join the mujahideen (freedom fighters) who were mostly Afghan. Unfortunately for Azzam, and fortunately for pretty much everyone else, he was killed in a still-unsolved explosion in Pakistan in 1989.
There’s something about an eye patch that just really elevates your panache and Israeli general and politician Moshe Dayan, who definitely lost an eye in battle and didn’t just wear it for cool points, did look like a James Bond villain. And if the powers that be ever decided the world needed a Moshe Dayan biopic, they’d need to call Mads Mikkelsen.
Have you ever disliked someone so much that your eyes immediately roll into the back of your head as soon as you hear their name? You’ve probably never heard of Gulbuddin Hekmatyar unless you’re an Afghan War vet, into Afghan history, or you’ve watched my favorite Netflix doc: Turning Point, where he makes a cameo. This is the guy who supposedly pioneered throwing acid in women’s faces, so if that’s on your resume it’s time to rethink your career choices.
This is technically a group, but they’re the Palestinian terrorist organization that carried out the 1972 Munich Olympic massacre, where members of Black September held Israeli athletes hostage in a broadly-televised spectacle, resulting in the murder of 11 Israelis. With some haunting optics, including the above picture of one of the terrorists looking like a slimmed-down Oogie Boogie from Nightmare Before Christmas, the Munich massacre was a bit reminiscent of October 7 in terms of a catastrophe being live-streamed for the world to see.
For the people of Afghanistan, Ahmad Shah Massoud is a national hero: the man and warlord who fought the Soviets in the 80’s and the Taliban in the 90’s. He believed in equality for Afghans, especially women, and was by all accounts incredibly popular and beloved across tribal affiliations. In the spring of 2001, he warned the world about the dangers of the Taliban at a conference in France. Later that year, on September 9, 2001, he would be assassinated by a bomb during a fake interview set up by Al Qaeda. His son Ahmad Massoud carries on his legacy with the National Resistance Front, which is actively fighting the Taliban and aims to instill a government that reflects the will of the people. You can probably tell by now that I’m a big Massoud fan.
I’m not saying bin Laden carried out 9/11 because he just needed more attention from Dad, but my God can you imagine having that many siblings?
Wow wow wow.
Muammar Qaddafi is a man who did not reside on planet Earth, which makes sense since he wrote science fiction short stories, (as a dictator is wont to do) including one about a man who went to the moon, then came back and killed himself. (Love it.)
Let’s back up. For those who don’t know Qaddafi, he was Libya’s dictator from 1969 to 2011. You probably know him as either the young, handsome ‘colonel’ with the impeccable jawline, the Libyan Ted Bundy (in terms of physical resemblance), or the older, more bloated-looking guy who wore colorful robes.
He was also humble:
"Whatever I wear becomes a fad. I wear a certain shirt and suddenly everyone is wearing it."
He took power in a bloodless coup in 1969. that overthrew the monarchy led by King Idris, who was pretty uninterested in ruling in his later years. Later on, in 1977, Qaddafi invented a new word, “jamahiriya” (state of the masses), and a new government, and thus the country officially became the Great Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya. Throughout his multi-decade rule, he financed or supported many terrorist groups around the world, yet had a 'change of heart’ once 9/11 and condoned the attacks, choosing to instead lend an olive branch to the West.
He also had a crush on Condoleezza Rice, which is perfect.
If you’re curious to learn more about why Qaddafi was ‘batshit,’ please listen to Conflicted’s Gaddafi: The Arab Madman Cometh, which was just re-released on 9/11/24. (Just in time for this article!)
Informative and interesting; enjoyed your Friday list